Just for laughs...

Click on picture to enlarge...
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Depressed

There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

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Computer Doctor

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....

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If you love...

THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Don't worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back...

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat *

THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

THE TECHNOLOGY COMPANY VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high.
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody don't ever set her free.

THE MBA VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free... instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant.
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme.
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty.
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.