Tuesday, October 31, 2006

~BLACK~

Evening sky
Depressed sun
Going down
Emerged
Into dark…

Sky is not black
It’s crimson
Colour of blood
Or, just sky?
Unsolved mystery
I cry……

Life
Blossoms at night
When
There is no light
Only
Passion is bright…

Night is rainbow
Of heaven
Or, hell?
Of passion
Or, pain?

Dark lanes
On earth…
On mind…
Earth suffocates
So am I…
Are you blind?

Your touch
Warm breath
You…
Oh hell!!!
You said,
“It’s heaven”!!!

“You are lost”
Says my brain

Creation
Or, destruction?
Pain
Or, passion?
Life
Goes on……

Night ends
Streetlamps went out
So as my shout…

I stop
My soul gets lost
Once again…
To my brain
Or, to pain?

It’s a new day
With nothing new
With another evening…
With another night…
Another fight…
Between my soul
And my mind…

I cry……

I cry
For my night…
My soul says
“Oh, save me”
I……….
Close my eyes
“Forgive me”

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Photographs !

From Diwali along ...


From Diwali along ...


From Diwali along ...


From Diwali along ...


From Diwali along ...


From Diwali along ...


From Diwali along ...


From Diwali along ...

Went for a small break in Varanasi during the holidays
Here are some pictures taken by me.
Feel Free to comment.

A couple of lines :
"Alokito Sopne er majhe amar du muto shobbota
Shomay er duronto parabar e boshe abar bhabi
Jibon amar pashe jai boye
Abar hobe dekha ... dustrino parabar er sesh e "



Friday, October 20, 2006

Hidden Roses

[Confessions: I am sorry. This is terribly long. And it's not worth the effort to be read. So please overlook it! Thank you.]

"Yes? So, what is it?", I swept my eyes over the items in the menucard. We had a table at a corner. The restaurat saw less people that day.
The room was dimly lit. It was the mellow yellow light that had spinned its own magical web across the air.
"I don't want to waste time", Jia's voice was firm, as if with a forced overtone, "I am saying this to you because you are his friend. You are going to tell him this."
"What?", I went anxious.
"That I am already married."

I was wonderstruck. We spent the next half hour silently eating that evening. She avoided an eye-contact.

When we had finished and she took out her purse to pay the bill, I said softly "Can I ask you something?"
She was quiet.
"Why did you do this?"
"I don't know", she hurried through her words, as if deliberately trying to project each of them on an emotionless plane, "You may think whatever you wish to. I loved to spend time with him. My husband was out of town. Now he'll be back soon. If he knows, I'll be in deep trouble. Can you ask Ronir not to disclose anything?", she looked away, "That'll be quite a favour".

She looked to get up and leave. The waiter had left with the tip.
I looked at her eyes. They were as expressionless and still as frozen water. Shamelessly outspoken.

"Jia", I almost made her stop. She was walking away. "Did you love him?"
"No", she said firmly, "Ask him to forget me. Tell him that I am sorry. Our relationship never had a future."

She left.

I walked my way home that night. Ronir was my childhood buddy. And more, he was a child at his heart. I went numb to imagine how would he react to all this.
I remebered the moments when he first showed to me Jia's photograph, three months back, trying so naively to express exactly how much he loved her! He was so overjoyed to have finally found someone so special in his life. He told me stories. We had so many glasses of beer over them.

Ronir had never asked about Jia's past. Or, who she was once; ..what she did. He knew that she lived with her parents at an apartment near Juhu and had just completed her Masters'. That was enough for him. He believed her!


I told Ronir everything. He cried his heart out. I had never seen him cry so much before. His voice chocked. He wanted to phone her once. He had some questions. But, he feared. He was in awe that his tender feelings could well be dehydrated under the merciless fire of the girl's outspoken betrayal. He was such a soft guy!

"What are you going to do now?", I asked.
"Don't know, maybe, ..leave this place". He went silent for a while. His eyes were still liquid. "Every lane of this city is going to remind me of her, ..of the moments that we had spend together. We gelled so well! We went to the movies. We went to restaurants. I had planned a large gift for her. Next month had her birthday. But it's useless now".

I held his shoulder. He had gone so weak inside. "I think, you should look to forget her", I said.
"I hope I do that someday", he said, "But you know what, I would never be able to manage that I feel. She came and touched such stupid corners of my heart that I once kept so very only for myself! They have gone lonely now. Tell me Akaash, ..if she had to go away someday, why did she at all come?"
"Don't feel pain, brother", I insisted, "The whore cheated you. She was someone else' wife already. She never was yours. Why waste your emotions over something that never was, Ronir?"

Ronir left that day. He told me that he would meet me after a few weeks. He was leaving town. He said that he needed time to think the matter over.


And it was then when I suddenly got to contact Shenaz over an online chat at somenight.

Shenaz hapenned to know Jia.

"How's Ronir?", she asked.
"Your friend didn't do something very correct", I typed to her, "Ronir would take months to heal his wound. Girls are girls. I hate them."
"I don't get you", she answered, "What do you mean?"

I told her everything.
And then to my astonishment, she answered "My God! This is not true. The story is something else! Jia did something very naughty, then."
"She never told me that she said all that to you and Ronir", Shenaz typed, "Though I knew that she would say something. Do you know, she wets her pillow even today, every night, thinking of him and the hurt she has caused him. What she only wants now is, if Ronir could remember her, at least for the rest of his life. Though she believes mightily that it's never going to happen. She could do nothing about it. But I never knew that she degraded her image in your eyes! She doesn't deserve that. Here, read this."

She forwarded me an e-mail.
Jia hapenned to write it to Shenaz.

It said,
"You know how much we love each other. But the situation is getting worse day by day over the last one month. Baba wants me to marry somebody out of his own choice. You know how conservative my family is! I cajoled. I cried. I threatened to commit a suicide. But Baba has stayed fixed. My mom said nothing. Lucky me, that I had suspected all this before. I never told Ronir my own details. He never asked.
You know, I so very much want him to start his life afresh. He is such a good boy! He should be forgetting me. But he loves me so much, I don't know how am I going to make him do that.
I know Akaash. He's his friend. I think I should let him know everything. But I fear that if I tell him the truth, Ronir would be crushed. More so, because he'll feel my pain. He may also rush in and create a scene. I had always kept his existence a secret to my family. He's so impulsive, you know!
I want him to rejuvinate, Shenaz. To a new life. With new dreams. He should look ahead. I don't want him to hold on to a lost past. I want to see that boyish smile of his again. It was so very filled with an innocence! I fear that I have taken it away from him, forever."

I went dead silent after I completed reading this. Jia hapenned to know Ronir better than what I knew him to be! Perhaps, that was meant to happen in love.
Shenaz asked for my thoughts on the issue. She 'buzz'ed me five times on Yahoo Messenger, that night.
I logged out instead.


I met Ronir six months later. He contacted me and asked me to come to a party at his house. He was back at his uniquely jovial and simple mannerisms.
He beamed a smile at me and said, "Hey buddy, had to tell you something. I had met this pretty thing one month back", he showed to me another photograph. "I had told her everything. She asked me to forget the bitch. You know, she said exactly what you said that afternoon -- why fret over something that never was ? These things happen in life! Not that everybody you meet in your life comes out to be all good!"
He waited eagerly for my reaction then.

I saw love in him, that evening. As if it had returned by some magical ways.
But, I thought I also saw some unerasable stains of pain, insult and regret that he so desparately tried to hide behind his cloak of superficial satisfaction; -- a secret buried too carefully, perhaps only to be identified and understood by another man!

Ronir threw Jia away. But, I thought, he failed to throw away her love. It remained in him and it was all the same. Only that this time it taught Ronir how to hate!
"Just think what happens, if the right-one comes in my life now", he reasoned, "After I had wrongly loved the wrong-one so very much?"


I looked at his eyes. I never found Jia there at her own respectable self! My eyes desparately hankered for a minimum vestige of the girl. As if, whether she found even a small space in the radiance of the man she so deeply loved.

But I never saw the roses.

Still, ..I felt that somehow they were there!
Perhaps, they preffered to stay behind the curtains. Perhaps, they were quite justified in doing so. Perhaps, selfish mortal eyes didn't deserve to see their beauty!

Jia lived on. In Ronir's hate. Ronir lived on in Jia's love.
Both of them remained! The sour memories of those sweet moments remained.

Their roses remained, hence! ...the roses that were uniquely theirs!

"Yes", I nodded, "You are right! What's this gal's name anyway?", I said.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The Welcome Itch !


Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us
Check this out !!

We humans love to err, actually…
Doing a mistake,
We try to fog it up with excuses-
Excuses, that doesn’t really make any sense,
But suffice to create a fog
Where we can can hide our shameful face!

We say,
“I’ve learnt a great lesson…”
Alas! On the second next
We do it again… and suffer
From the same writhing agony.

Agony, yes… Agony, Pain & Sorrow
Seem to be our best friends!
Because,
No matter how much we suffer,
Sticking to the pain
Seems to have grown a habit…
We fall for it
Again, and again and again.

There is a subtle and sadistic joy
Even in this pain…
After a while of suffering,
It makes us forget what it is actually
And becomes an integral part of our lives.
Most amusingly,
We even find peace, a feeling of completeness
Burning in this agony!

The more it itches,
The more we scratch…
And, the more wounded
The poor bloody soul becomes;
Ironically, the more pleased we feel!
Again, it keeps up growing manifold,
Nourished by our encouragement…
Here goes the Cycle…
Until we find-
The Life is Spent,
Scratching the Itch…


Monday, October 16, 2006

A night- A Ghost- &, A Girl


Blue night
Dreams come…
Dreams gone…
A dark room,
And
A small red light…

A girl…
Sleeping……
Unconscious…
Dreaming deeply…
Smiling…
For
Someone special…

Innocence…
On her face,
Her dream
Makes her smile,
She doesn’t know
It’s fragile…

She was crying
Before sleeping
Then
She slept…
Frustration
Was on her face…

Night is ending
I touched her…
Wanted
To take her
To heaven…
But…
Her soul denies…

But,
It’s crying…
For refusing…

Poor girl
Come with me…
Avoid pain…
It’s insane…

She says…

“Happiness in pain…
Hope in pain…
Laughter in pain…
These are what
She seeks…

And

She knows…
She is insane…”

She says..

“Heaven doesn’t need her
So,
She chooses hell…
It’s her journey…
She wants to go
Alone…

In the light…
In the dark…
In hells sin…

Or,
In heavens spark…”

Oh!
I’ve to go…
It’s morning…
My destiny is calling…

She wakes up…
Saw the sky
The sun is bright…
She moves out of sight…

I pray…
I pray for her…
It’s a new day…
Hope she’ll find…
A new ray…
Which won’t
Make her blind…

Secret

Night.
Sounds silhouette silence.
Signs of clockwork,
Lanterns,
Cries,
Wrath,
Shackles.
All signs dissolved.
Into a bone cloaking froth.
Skin begins to sear.
Feet meander on winding roads
Craving for the mirror muffled
By a sense of emptiness.

Children sleep.
They must, or I will talk to them.
Sleep.
Wonderful sleep.
Dust ridden, sweaty sleep.
Under layers kept trim.
Fragments neatly swept under
The below.
An oblivion.

Words undulate,
Die, before they are strung together.
The gallows advanced.
Iron sooner, earth sooner.Fragments sooner.
Money sooner.
Neat, bloodless death.
Embryonic.
In the head.
Near eyes unreliable,
Hair useless,
Ears numb with silhouettes,
Bones bald, overwhelmed,
Limbs migrating.

Above, a sack of fragments
Asleep.
Above.
Passions injected,
Skin felt by skin,
Language washed out,
Eyes devouring,
Hands running over crevices,
Mouths sucking into emptiness.
Celebrating.
Bones clumped.
Blood flows.
Orderly, directed flow
And primitive rhythm.
Like children wallowing
In fresh bodies
With no memory, nor love.
Dust smiting them slowly.
Slow, like serendipity unnoticed.
Rain drenching them to the bone,
Skin yielding to the silvery percolation.
Greys intriguing.
Greys denied, loved for assumed absence.
Scars mild, camouflaged.
Wallowing in a psychedelic dream,
Almost sensual. Carnal, to the mind and body.

Lacerate my skin.
Shred my threads of order, flow and purpose.
Burn the numbness.
Singe the cysts.
Break me into a million pieces.

Litres of blood to resurrection,
Before the wake of the other psychedelic dream
Fresh psychedelic dream.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST TOUCHING MAILS I HAVE READ....
HENCE I WANTED TO SHARE IT WITH YOU ALL
I KNOW ITS A LIL LONG BUT I AM SURE ITS WORTH READING....

HAS BEEN WRITTEN BY A HUSBAND
On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.
Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so. I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.? I've got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her.
At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt.Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.
When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.
Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more. When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry.

She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement, which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart.

The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember.

"You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning".
I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically. I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger.

So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this.I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart.
Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at he last minute.

I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious.She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears.

I walked downstairs and drove to the office.When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card.
I smiled and wrote,""" I'll carry you out every morning until we are old."'"""

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Once upon a time there lived a chicken called Pox. her body was dotted with red spots and she looked quite pretty in them. Her parents were surprised when she was born as none in her family had a dotted body. The mother thought, "Wow!! our Pox is so beautiful! She must go for the Most Adorable Chicken Prize!" Her father exclaimed, "She broke our family tradition!" Her brothers and sisters kept staring at her, now and then said, "Weirdo!"
Then one day a group of farmers saw it and thought tht the chicken must be suffering from some disease and parted it from other chickens. Pox was really very sad. She cried tht it wasnt her fault! it wasnt really...but human beings doesnt ever accept anything new as good.

A few decades later, people suffered from low grade fever with mid headache and weakness. it was very infectious as many people got the symptoms simulyaneously...Suddenly they discovered tht their whole bodies are covered with red itchy lumps! How horrible they looked! An old man who was one among the group of farmers who saw Pox, announced tht he saw a chicken once with red spots all over her body and her name was Pox. this must be the same disease. SO from then onwards the disease came to be known as CHICKEN POX!

Saturday, October 07, 2006

.

In darkness
A voice speaks out
The bleak image runs wild
A moment of sudden madness

To be or not to be, that is the question —
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
Troubled arena claps at your arrival
Time wanted to fold itself
Around your arms

Treacherous veins flow in impure emotions
The colour is fading
Charm of piper haunts

Rattled stone hits the roof
In a tin can , I kept my treasure
Behind closed eyes

Locked in Mesmerz

Locked In Mesmerz


Waking up locked within dreams;
The Incandescent irony of truth and reality
The flawless cravings of an ideal tomorrow -
Built upon the faux hope of living through death.

In the blazing fire of the monster temple -
Forced from the third floor and on to the green bed.
Waking up in the hospital from a torrential earthquake
And still wondering about the fire stealth.


Menstruating ones thoughts of recurring desires,
Of pain and trauma of overwhelming happiness.
Lost among the innumerable strands of illusions
Caressing and cursing ones own existence

Read the rest of the poem at:
http://shamasis.blogspot.com/2006/10/locked-in-mesmerz.html


...

Friday, October 06, 2006

It's Raining

It’s green
It’s dark
It’s raining

Silence
Everywhere…

In mind???

One, two
Drops…
Of rain…
Of tear…

Night…
Music…
Of mystery…
Of life…
Of death…
Of dark…
Of light???

Rebirth
Or
Another journey?
Towards death…
Death of life…
Death of image…
Death of faith…

Images…
Fades away…
People…
Grew up…
Loneliness…
Becomes friend…
A new ray…
Towards life…
Towards heart…
Oh hell!!!
These hurt…

Sky
Crying…
Stupid
It’s raining…

October - Month of Celebrations....

PS - Posting in suggestion given by Euphoric Dreamz..:-)))

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

.

AwAy FrOm SuRLy BoNdS oF EaRtH....


Away from surly Bonds of earth
Hoping to get new Life after death
To see the World up next
To see the space crafts moving away from Earth
Connecting places far from the Earth

But the saddest thing for me will be I wont Exist
Hoping for New life after death

To see the inventions made by the scientists
But the saddest thing for me will be I wont exist
From Ash to Ash
and there I will remain,
Only sweet memories
That will retain,
For me I wont be able to see the whole new world
As the saddest thing for me will be I wont exist
Hence hoping for new life after death

Away from this worldly stage
Leading my role and passing away
For death will lay its icy hands on me
Away from surly bonds of earth
Hoping to get new life after death.