Sometimes when I'm too happy or too
sad/distressed, I experience a beautiful moment of clarity. Someone
inside me knocks at the heart and I hear this voice: "Hey! How are you
enjoying the movie?" :)
From my early days, sometimes I
wondered at my own existence and the purpose thereof. Probably every
teenager goes through this phase. But for me, the difference was that it
continued to be a vital question that I couldn't forget. Looking at my
hand, I wondered, is this Me? Observing the fleeting thoughts in my
mind, I wondered, is it I who is thinking? Then after many years, I came
across the most beautiful description and it perfectly made sense to
me!
When you are in the cinema, and the
movie is going on in the dark, we feel strong emotion in the climaxes,
chilling moments in the horror scenes, and even shed a few tears in the
emotional parts. But we know it is a movie, we just enjoy all the
experiences good or bad and if it was a good film, tragic or funny, we
always end up saying with a smile and contentment that it was a good
one! The real Me is like this screen, on which the movie is projected.
If a small kid walks in while a movie is running and asks about the
screen, we will end up pointing towards the ongoing cinema and the kid
will think that it is the scene or the characters which is the screen.
Which is not quite right. Yes, the scene and the characters are on the
screen, but they are not the screen itself. Only when the lights are on,
only then you can see the screen! The screen does not take part in any of the drama, it is the still ever-calm witness. It never gains or loses anything from the movie, but without it the movie will not exist. It is Existence itself, whereon one movie after another goes on playing, immersing the audience (the mind-body complex of the people sitting in the hall) with the scenes of the movie (sensual objects), making them laugh, cry, despair. But itself, the screen just exists. The real Me is that screen.
The hands and
legs and everything physical is the gross body, whereas the mind is the
subtle body, but part of the body no doubt. If you cut off the head,
all the thoughts stop (well that's what we know). So obviously the mind
is connected to the body and does not exist independently. It is like
the glass of milk, which seems perfectly plain and white in our naked
eyes, but under a microscope it is nothing that small globules of white
fat floating in a watery liquid! Amazing, isn't it!
I am
neither the body, nor the mind. I am in them, but they are not in me. I
am pure Existence. Whatever tangible that I feel, be it bodily pain or
mental joy or emotions, they are just affecting this mind-body complex. I
am untouched, unattached, unaffected!
I have realised
that the only way to live life is to Love. Love everyone, love
everything, love every moment. But love them not as objects, but love
them just because they are part of You, your existence! Fall in love not
with the gifts but fall in love with the gifter of the reality of
receiving the gifts! There is no good, there is no bad. There is no
friend, there is no enemy. It is only You. You are the giver, and you
are the recipient. It is just You everywhere, in everything! There is no
God sitting in Heaven driving us, there is no Satan waiting in Hell to
punish us. These are just stages of your existence, and it is you who
decides how you are going to experience Heaven or Hell now and every
future moment!
Coming back to Vivek Panda, I think this me
knows this truth somewhere but fails to sustain it in every action. I am
still weak, thinking about the Biriyani, thinking about the job,
thinking about succeeding in the next karate tournament. But whenever
any situation or person tries to bind me too hard, I feel this immense
pressure from the voice within to break free! It pounds on my head
saying, "There is nothing tangible in this universe that you need to
seek. You are already complete, you already have everything that you
need. May be Vivek Panda cannot be in the relationship with that
beautiful person, but she has already someone (and so it is you in
another person enjoying that possibility), or even if she is not with
anyone, you can never possess her like an object! We think the urge for
enjoyments and sensual pleasures can be gratified by indulging in it.
But no matter how many chocolates you have had in your lifetime, does it
ever occur to you that the quota of your chocolate in this lifetime is
finally over? Indulgence is a habit, it is like a bottomless cup, it
just never can have enough!
So, the purpose of my life is
Love. And love so much that it breaks the boundaries of this Vivek Panda
and everything and everyone around. This is my destination, and
whatever I do, whichever way I take, I hope it takes me closer to that
ultimate goal.
